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Not Uma Thurman, but an Unidentified Munching Animal. While on a business conference call (stressing business here), my cell phone rang. It was my wife upstairs. "A strange animal is in the apple tree! (Everybody panic!)" I watched the tree for a while from a nearby window and there it was, a non-turkey, non-deer, non-rabbit animal. Now is the time for reader participation. What the hell was it? Eyewitnesses claim it was the size of a very fat cat with a reddish belly, brown coat and dark brown tail. It may have had some white on its face (or not) or a lighter colored face. Fact is, it was fat and not a squirrel or raccoon. It was crawling out onto thin branches to get apples and almost falling. Any guesses?

After all the extensive research I could do in 4 minutes and the countless emails I received on the subject (countless == zero), I have determined that the mystery animal that attacked our defenseless apple tree was a woodchuck. Everybody panic! At least a woodchuck won’t dart out in front of me at 3:45am.